Today I found out that I am such a weak person. They say experience is the best thing you can get.
I am broken because the person I love the most does not understand me, he does not trust me and Idk what to do with life,
I am going crazy. And so, I don't know where to begin. Being in a relationship can be difficult but I know Md is the one for me. I just know it. We quarrel sometimes and quite a lot of times if there is a need to voice out. It's normal for our thinking not to match and it's really okay to quarrel cause it makes love more meaningful, you find out within yourself of how much you don't want to lose him, I do not ever want to lose him ever. I just love him too much to comfort myself that he might not be in future. I want him and only him. I have never been in a real relationship before this, I never held anyone's hand or kissed. Md's the first guy I ever did it with and I am glad that he is my first and I wish that he is the last as well. I don't remember not putting effort on any of the days when we were together. However busy I was, I would pick up his phone call or reply his message. It never mattered to me if I had my exams the next day, I would still video chat with him and tell him that my marks does not really matter, it only him who matters to me. I am glad that it's the same from his side. He would be there celebrating with his friends and he would run away from them just to talk to me. I remember however sleepy I would be, I would still pick up his call and talk but there are days I would accidentally sleep. Sorry about that. I just feel like we are perfect for each other, I know he feels the same. I am shaking, I am shaking because I am too weak. I want to hold on, I will hold on but I don't know for how long I can hold on. I will try my best.
I want to spend the rest of my whole life with him. Then, I would marry him after I end college which would be in 2021 or 2022. It's a long wait and mom says that maybe he will not wait for me till then but I am hoping that he does. So many things go through my mind everyday about him. Maybe it's my fault, I don't show him that I love him very much but I promise that it is only him that I care about. Sometimes I think if I will get hurt real bad if he leave me, I would be completely shattered. I think I will become a nun, I will be a social worker and live my life serving the need, not marry or fall in love ever again. I realise that I cry a lot whenever I get hurt. That makes me a weak woman who is inauspicious.
I think that being born brought bad luck into my family and into other people's life because I am bad luck myself. It feels like I snatch everyone's happiness. All I ask for really is for Md to be healthy and safe wherever he is. If we ever have to part ways in the future, I wish he would not remember me and will always stay happy, healthy, safe with someone else. As I write this, it breaks my heart so bad because I never want to be replace. I cannot stop my tears rolling down my cheeks. I do not want to be a weak person.
I wish and pray that Md and I would never have to part ways. I wish that we will only be each others.
We have been together for almost 11 months now and I hope that we will continue till forever.
